So it’s been a long time since I posted, but I won’t be going. Mostly because this site is only read by me, and the bots so I didn’t feel the need to post for a long while, and I was incredibly busy. I think it’s time I should begin a bit again to clean this up and put something on it again. It’s been a long couple of years, with 3 foster kids in and out of the house, Jess fighting breast cancer (successfully), marriage counselling, and me struggling with my weight and fitness. I’m currently looking for a job so I can have the means to separate from my wife without being an undue burden on her finances. At my age that’s a hard thing to do, since I’ve basically been out of work for 8 years. I’m sure that I’ll find something though, and it will make me poorer financially, and who knows what emotionally and physically. We’ll see.
I’ll be going on a trip soon that I feel conflicted about. While Jess was going through her cancer treatment I put all my dislikes and marriage concerns on hold, and just did my best to support her. She nominated me for a program, saying that through this year I was her rock, and I was selected based on her essay about me to go on a rock climbing trip in Arkansas. It feels disingenuous at this point as while I was her rock during that year, I continued thinking that it was a matter of time before things broke between us. How can I go on a trip now for being her rock when I’m not staying?
All the concerns I had about word lawyering in arguments, disdain in her voice, memories of the disloyal times in our past, didn’t go away just because I was trying to be supportive. They weren’t a deal breaker though, those things along were things we had worked on for 15 years or more. What was a deal breaker was me telling her that I would like an open relationship, as I don’t think that I’m as monogamous as she would like me to be. I was not off having sex with other women, but I certainly had thought about it with someone else, and I loved other people. Her version of monogamous seemed to be for me to only like her, only be attracted to her, for her to be the only woman I love. As if love is something that you can only have for one person. That’s just not how I feel, as I don’t feel that people in general are all that monogamous all the time, and I think that people love lots of people. I do think people are generally dishonest about it so they can smooth over things that would be deal breakers. I chose not to be dishonest and to let her know that she is not all I need. I love others. I am attracted to others. I can’t be all she needs either. We agreed to start planning a separation, and a divorce when we get to that point, as she doesn’t want someone who also loves someone else. I understand, and I am not willing to live the rest of my life knowing there is someone else I love out there that I can’t show my love to if I stay.
So now I’m in that process. Stressful, and hard, but necessary. I don’t know if there will actually be anyone for me after the separation, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t value monogamy like Jess does, and that’s not going to work even though I still love her. Maybe it’s my late mid life crisis, or maybe it’s me realizing that I’m not giving myself the best environment by staying here to feel okay about my life and myself.
I’m sure that even if I’m alone in the end, I’ll be in a good place, as I’ll be in an honest place. Kali will always be tops on my list of responsibilities, and I’ll do all I can to continue being a decent parent to her. She’s in a stage now where I’m less important to her, which is hard for me at times, but she’s a freshman in high school this year, and a split later this year is better than a split 13 years ago when things were at their worst. She is a lot more likely to understand that none of this is on her. I’ll be the one taking all the blame in this one. I asked for the change in relationship, and when I was told that wouldn’t work, I chose not to take one for the team this time and stay in a relationship unhappily just because it was easier.
It will be an interesting 2019/2020. I’ll have to keep this up better.